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Griffin's LiveJournal:
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| Friday, March 20th, 2009 | | 9:39 pm |
OMG, I live!
Yeah, so, this is completely retarded for my first LJ entry in about a year or so, but I couldn't help myself. SO I totally just bought the awesomest shirt (so much so that it made me sound like a valley girl... XD) I found it at work, and the thing is, I walked past it a million times and never really noticed it. Today, I saw someone in the store wearing it and noticed how it fit - it's kind of banded at the upper arms so that it's tight there, and then all billowy in the rest of the sleeve. And I thought 'wow. I'd like to have that shirt.' And then I find one. Originally, it was $24.97. It had been marked down to clearance to $14.89, then to $12.49, and finally, to $5.00. But all the clearance things are on for 40% off, so I got my totally awesome $24.97 shirt for three bucks. That just made my whole night. In other news, reasons why I haven't posted in forever - 1) My life is boring. 2) I'm also lazy. 3) I'm not real big on the internet thing, so even when I have time and motivation, I'm usually motivated to do something else. Something else that's still entirely useless, but hey, what can you do? XP 4) Fatigue, depression, and general lack of ability thanks to having been sick for about six months. Turns out that it's IBS, which kind of sucks. However, I am getting it under control and starting to feel vaguely like a living, breathing human being again. Stuff I have done or that has happened - 1) Went to Halifax LAST FREAKING SUMMER. 2) Became a full time employee at my place of employment, which could be good or bad. 3) Got sick. 4) Got screwed over by place of employment for the job that I really liked, and was still sick. 5) Was horribly disappointed by Fable II. 6) My grandmother was admitted to the hospital with congestive heart failure, where she survived but had to stay thanks to some form of senile dementia. 7) Dressed up as a pirate queen for Halloween wearing the scariest heels I've ever seen. Okay, I seriously didn't mean for all that to rhyme... 8) Started Driver's Ed. And then stopped because I was still sick. 9) Switched jobs at my place of employment - I work in shoes now instead of up front at the checkouts. 10) Actually won NaNoWriMo for the first time in about eight years of participating. 11) Had two pet rats die. 12) Was depressed by Christmas feeling like any other day. 13) Got put on leave for five weeks while my doctor tried to figure out what was wrong with me. 14) Fable II redeemed itself slightly when I played it through again (I love the game itself, but the glitches and some of the plot left a lot to be desired as far as I was concerned). 15) Had to have a barium enema done. o_O 16) Grandmother was finally admitted to a retirement home or whatever you call it. For some reason, my mind is drawing blanks. 17) Bought a graphics tablet as the urge to work on drawing and do a webcomic increases. And now I'm back at work with meds that help, and tea that helps with my illness, and I'm starting to get some small degree of energy and motivation back. I may go into more detail later, but I also may get distracted by something shiny. Current Mood:  happy | | Friday, February 29th, 2008 | | 9:23 pm |
| | Sunday, July 29th, 2007 | | 12:20 am |
I've been feeling melancholy of late; missing the days that seemed to be my prime. I miss when I was a teenager and felt energetic, confident, strong, almost frighteningly determined. Now it seems the only thing I'm ever sure of is the fact that I'm tired. It's very wearing. There are so many things I need to do. So many things that I want to do again. And so many things that I just can't give up on. But it feels as though the fiery passion that was one of the things I felt defined me has leaked away. I no longer feel strong. I no longer feel confident, or determined. I feel weak and weary, drained of life and determination. I always felt like a fighter, like I was here to do something, to make a difference, to fight something. Now I can hardly get out of bed every morning. What kind of a fighter is that? Short answer: it's not a kind of fighter. I liked who I was, but everyday that goes by seems to make me less and less who I was. I find myself trying to recreate certain things, hoping that it will spark certain things in me. Trying to find the same kind of book bag I had in high school to use when I go back to university this year. Digging out some of my old favourites and wearing them, like my garrisons and some of my older Star Wars t-shirts. Wanting to watch Star Wars again, but refusing the special editions and insisting on the originals. There are some things I wouldn't change back, of course. Some wisdoms I have gained, a little more maneuverability in certain views. But for the most part, most of my views then are my views now, I was just so damned spunky about it all then. And there are a lot of things that I wish I had the same certainty in now that I had then. Now I just feel kind of lost and alone, left by the wayside by my past self who got disgusted with wallowing away in life like this. I'm talking like an old man reliving his glory days, and I'm only just turned twenty-three. Current Mood:  melancholy | | Monday, April 30th, 2007 | | 1:50 pm |
So, I'm one of the weirdest LJ members ever. I get in a car accident, and I don't even say anything about it here until about a week later. And I'm not going into detail because I don't really have the time right now. I'm here mostly for this. object width="450" height= "400"> So, does it sound like me? Not that it matters. I'm the kind of person who gets immediately attached to things, and changing it now would seem wrong. One thing I don't get, though, is why being a leader means by default that you're competitive. I am not competitive at all, but I sure as hell don't 'go with the flow'. | | Sunday, April 22nd, 2007 | | 12:26 pm |
What's up with F'ing chemists?
So, I'm studying for my chem exam that occurs at Holy-Crap-I'm-Going-to-Die o'clock tomorrow morning. Online, there are quizzes which I'm doing, hoping that they'll a)boost my mark and b) help me study. Option B seems to be a flop. You see, so far I've done three quizzes, at fifteen questions each. I have only gotten two questions wrong. Problem is, it seems that my calculations don't give me the answers supplied in the multiple choice, and since there's a time limit, I just start guessing. I've guessed on about all but -go on, see if you can guess- two questions. Remarkably, the two I got wrong. I know I'm doing the calculations right. They're the only formulas I have to use, and I'm pretty good at plugging numbers into formulas. So, tell me, why is it that the tools they have given me with the assurance that they would be the key to the answers don't give me the answers? And why does my instinct serve me better, GUESSING serve me better than the proper methods to solve the problem? Chemists make no damn sense. Current Mood:  weird | | Sunday, April 8th, 2007 | | 11:57 am |
Dad's surgery went well. Now it's just dealing with restrictions and weakness for a bit while he heals. The rest of us are probably nearly as tired as he is. | | Wednesday, April 4th, 2007 | | 10:02 pm |
Dad's surgery is pretty much going for sure tomorrow morning. Triple bypass, open heart surgery. Less than a 1% mortality rate. I won't lie. I'm afraid. I can't help it. Even though his chances are excellent, I have this nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm not sure if the nagging fear is just anxiety, or if the nagging fear is a weird premonition that my family sometimes have. It's impossible to tell with me, since I have an anxiety disorder. But... I'm just going to have to decide that it's just the anxiety talking. And now that I've said this, I'm worried about what just saying it will do. One of the few ways I'm kind of 'superstitious' I guess. | | Saturday, March 24th, 2007 | | 12:21 pm |
| | 12:15 pm |
Note 1
My dad had a heart attack last night. Well, the doctors say that when he got to them, his body was trying to have a heart attack, but they gave him so medicine to stave it off. Right now, he's doing alright, though they think he might have had some minor heart attacks that have caused some damage prior to this as well. Mom is a little freaked out, and my grandmother even more so. After losing Uncle John in November, I think she's a little terrified. But I think he'll be alright. He had recently started watching what he ate because of high cholesterol, and had lost twenty pounds (for my dad, this is a big deal). He'll have to be more careful from now on. I'll probably be going back out to the hospital again later, but so far, everything is going alright, and as far as heart attacks go, it could have been much much worse. However, while I was there I read an article that severely disturbed me. I know most people think that I'm a ranting bitch, but I'm going to post something afterwards anyway, and I urge you to pay attention. | | Wednesday, February 28th, 2007 | | 12:39 pm |
So, I'm getting sick again. My stomach hurts, and my head hurts, and I feel nauseous. I swear, if it's a bladder infection again... Between that, insomnia, and increasingly frequent panic attacks, I've missed most of my classes the past two weeks. I'm hoping that March break will give me a chance to study and kind of reset. ( On the other hand, my genetics prof does not understand simple math. ) Current Mood:  sick | | Wednesday, February 21st, 2007 | | 3:57 am |
I feel the need to post this for some reason.
Love is not all: it is not meat nor drink
Nor slumber nor a roof against the rain;
Nor yet a floating spar to men that sink
And rise and sink and rise and sink again;
Love cannot fill the thickened lung with breath,
Nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone;
Yet many a man is making friends with death
Even as I speak, for lack of love alone.
It well may be that in difficult hour,
Pinned down by pain and moaning for release,
Or nagged by want past resolution's power,
I might be driven to sell your love for peace,
Or trade the memory of this night for food.
It well may be. I do not think it would.Edna St. Vincent Millay I came across this in my insomnia in an old notebook of mine. | | 3:42 am |
I need more friends who are up at three thirty in the morning when I can't sleep. Or something else, but I'm not sure what. | | Friday, February 16th, 2007 | | 7:55 pm |
I'm laying on a cat. Why? Because he stole my spot and even though I'm leaning on him, he won't move. It's making my abdominal muscles hurt staying this way. XP Just thought you'd like to know. | | Saturday, February 10th, 2007 | | 2:03 pm |
For some dumbass reason, my body has been on high anxiety lately, especially when I'm alone. It's driving me batty. Right now, my stomach is both in knots and suffering butterflies. For what reason? Who the hell knows. You'd think I was waiting to be gunned down or something. And this is what I have to keep me company before I have to go work. Go me! I thought I'd get some writing done, but now I can't concentrate. Half the music I want to listen to evokes emotions that, at the moment, are making me feel sick to my stomach, so I have to skip them. This blows. Current Mood:  anxious | | Monday, January 8th, 2007 | | 3:06 pm |
So, at this moment, I despise my self. Okay, maybe that's not entirely true. But I'm certainly not happy with my body, weak to the ravages of illness and anxiety. My new leaf, my new beginning that would lead to better things is off to a wonderful start. Namely, my being so damn sick that I had to miss the first day of classes. And I'm going to have to call in sick for the third time in a row to work. Nobody will understand or care that the most solid thing I've had and managed to keep down in the last four days is four chicken fingers, and those were just barely, when I was feeling at my best during this. For some reason, in the adult world, they don't seem to care how horribly you're sick unless it's terminal. Needless to say, the anxiety attacks I'm having don't help any. | | Thursday, December 14th, 2006 | | 1:53 pm |
So, since the person I've been emailing for advising on my courses has not been responding, I decided to just go ahead and register for my courses without him and figure it out on my own. Except when I tried it said "You have not been advised for your program. Registration not permitted." Okay, so not only does the Student Loan application have many whacked questions that made me have to stop filling it out so many times that it took me a month to complete, and all the jobs that the university offers to help students are only for full time students, and I work my ass off for no money which I'll get even less of when I have to cut back hours to go to school, but it won't let me register until I've been advised, and the adviser I've been talking to has sent me two e-mails: one saying "Hey, great, you're going back to university! We'll talk about what you can do once you tell me what you want to study and if you've been accepted." Upon telling him this (which I had to do twice because the first time he didn't reply and apparently didn't get the e-mail), he said he'd have to look at we have and get back to me. This has also been over the course of a month, and if I show up for advising a week before courses start, they'll get very upset and there may not be room for me in the classes I need. The classes I need, which I figure will cut down my working hours significantly. And on that note, it seems that it will be impossible for me to find better employment while I'm going to school. Or, you know, anything that will pay half decently and give me the money and free time I need. Right now, I work thirty hours a week. I make, after taxes, roughly around $850 a month, which is just barely enough for me to pay all my bills. I don't have any benefits, despite the fact that full time employees work a minimum of 28 hours a week. I'm not hired on full time, so I get dick. Most of the courses I need they're not offering in evening classes, so I'll have to cut down on my workload at least a little. Add to that the fact that they had me trained on a job that paid me an extra dollar an hour, which was about an extra $100 dollars or so a month, and decided that as soon as they had some one else trained they didn't need me there anymore. Plus they keep trying to screw me over in various ways, or at the very least ignore all the hard work I do and praise everyone else around me, whether they're working hard or not. Why the fuck does everything conspire to make it so damn hard for someone to go back to school and improve themselves so that they don't wind up working the rest of their lives in shit jobs that will eventually either make them shoot themselves, or everyone else? Holy shit, I am pissed, frustrated, and inarticulately mad about this bullshit. | | Tuesday, December 5th, 2006 | | 2:06 am |
Dear Ria's parents: On the most recent events, I just have to have my say. There have been many times when I've come close, but always held off. This is the last straw. You know, you both have a tendency to be quite generous with many of your offers. That's great. But the only thing worse than a stingy bastard is someone who makes generous offers and then attaches more and more strings as they go. Do you have any idea what I have seen you put your daughter through in the past few years? And don't give me any crap about how I'm just seeing what she tells me. I'm either there with her when it happens, sitting beside her when she's talking to you on the phone, or the first one to hear it when she comes home, so it doesn't have much time to be skewed by memory. You do have a few valid points. The gym membership, for instance. However, as for the birthday gift that you seem to think she was upset over not getting, I seem to recall having to comfort a very distraught girl who was suffering from feelings of inadequacy and not being thought of by her own parents. Just about everything she's asked you for, she's asked on the condition of paying you back. Oh, and also because you told her to ask if she needed anything. Your reaction is to always tell her not to bother. She doesn't have to pay you back. Except then you drag it out to make her feel like hell when she isn't doing everything you want her to. A gift is a gift, it shouldn't ever be used as leverage. That's not the point. As for her debt, I was here. I knew that she had trouble getting the information for her debtors. I'm the one who suggested she call someone to find the numbers. I was sitting beside her the morning that you sent her that e-mail with your declined offer. I was right there when she came back ranting because the stupid internet banking wouldn't accept anything. I was also here when she was in tears because it just so happened that she'd waited too long for you and you wouldn't believe a word she said. Fine, she waited a little too long. I can see that. But it's done, isn't it? And I assure you that she was trying to do it before you threatened her with not having a trip. I also feel I have to say that coming from both of you, telling her that she has to keep her obligations is somewhat rich. Who canceled Christmas at the drop of a hat? Who ran out on her, lied to her about it, and didn't even have the guts to tell her to her face? Who invited both of us to Boston, wouldn't give us dates, and then decided it wasn't even worth it because I wanted to try and have a passport? She may not be perfect, but you sure as hell aren't either. Maybe you should also consider some of your offers before you make them. Thing is, I think 'canceling Christmas' and running out on her on multiple occasions is a hell of a lot worse than taking a little more time to do something, or even quitting out on the gym membership. The monetary aid was no doubt appreciated, but I think the personal pain of feeling as though you are less loved by your parents than their ability to make you do what they want or for the convenience you may have offered is a hell of a lot worse. I'm not saying that quitting going to the gym was right, but maybe you should look at what you yourselves do before you start flinging stones. You can't even talk to her about it. She can't say a word to you most of the time because she's terrified that if she makes you mad, you won't ever speak to her again. Tell me, do you really think that's how a parent's behaviour should make a daughter feel? You are the two people in all the world she should be positive of loving her no matter what. But the way you give and withdraw, get angry if she doesn't agree with you, avoid the topic of if you did something to hurt her, or get angry if she tries to let you know that something hurt has taken that away from her, and no daughter should have to go through that. In the end, it all comes down to this; you're both around forty years old. You should be reasonable adults by now, but your daughter can't even talk to you about hurtful things, and you'll change your minds about things at the drop of a hat, get upset that she's upset by it, get vindictive about something that she did when things you've done in the past, and never atoned for, are far worse, and get upset that she talks to her friends about it. You know, the ones that are there to help her out with the emotional stuff. Grow up and stop thinking that financial aid, even if greatly appreciated, buys you out of the things you've done to her and buys you the right to do them again. I'm half your age. I shouldn't have to tell you how stupid and childish all the bullshit you've put her through is. And don't even think about getting on my case for this not being my business. I live with her. She's my very close friend, and close friends to me are like family. And I'm sick of people screwing with my family. I'm the one here to help her when you hurt her, I'm the one who usually gets pissed on her behalf. She's my family, and even if you aren't always going to treat her that way, I will. And I say all of this to you because she can't. I'm doing this all on my own, so don't you dare take it out on her. See, it doesn't matter to me if you never talk to me again. I know that she appreciates everything you have done for her in a material sense; it's everything you neglect to do in a parental, emotional sense that hurts her. Just get over it, would you? If you really want to do something about it, take her out and actually listen to the wealth of pain she carries around thanks to both of you. Then tell her about what bothers you. Talk about it instead of just pointing just as dirty fingers and taking back promises. And yes, this is directed at both parents. Go ahead and be pissed that I've said all of this to you, but it's about time that someone did. | | Sunday, December 3rd, 2006 | | 7:17 pm |
Why in Hell do they have to make it so damn hard to get back to school? Especially applying for a student loan? Question on my student loan application: (First, it discusses your study period, which is the period of time between terms, to a maximum of 18 weeks, like for someone like me, who's been out of school for awhile.) Describe your study period: [blank] Uh... I had a nice summer/winter/Christmas/holiday? We went on vacation! I mean, seriously, what do they want? "Describe my study period?" Or was it "Explain my study period?" It was really boring or depressing? I had to have it because I had no money for school, which is why I'm here? What about the people who have been doing normal terms until then? I had to have one because they won't let me live in the classroom? What the hell are they talking about? And why do they need to bloody know to lend me money to go to school? All they should need to know about whether or not lend me money is who I am, where I live, what school I'm going to, possibly my program, how much money I make, and if I'm in good academic standing. Why are they all crazy?! They sure do their damndest to make it impossible for someone to improve their life by improving their education. Current Mood:  fuming | | Monday, November 20th, 2006 | | 2:28 pm |
I'm tired, and my stomach is tied in many many knots at the thought of going to work. I'm not ready for this yet. I really haven't missed anxiety attacks like this. | | Sunday, November 12th, 2006 | | 3:15 pm |
I don't feel like I can hold up under the weight bearing down on me. I'm so exhausted. Time for a nap, maybe. Except that I don't feel like I have the time to take one; so many other things I either needed to or wanted to get done. But I had trouble getting all the way home walking from my grandmother's. She lives down the street. Current Mood:  exhausted |
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