Griffin

OMG, I live!

2009-03-21T00:52:15Z

Yeah, so, this is completely retarded for my first LJ entry in about a year or so, but I couldn't help myself.

SO I totally just bought the awesomest shirt (so much so that it made me sound like a valley girl... XD) I found it at work, and the thing is, I walked past it a million times and never really noticed it. Today, I saw someone in the store wearing it and noticed how it fit - it's kind of banded at the upper arms so that it's tight there, and then all billowy in the rest of the sleeve. And I thought 'wow. I'd like to have that shirt.' And then I find one. Originally, it was $24.97. It had been marked down to clearance to $14.89, then to $12.49, and finally, to $5.00. But all the clearance things are on for 40% off, so I got my totally awesome $24.97 shirt for three bucks.

That just made my whole night.

In other news, reasons why I haven't posted in forever -
1) My life is boring.
2) I'm also lazy.
3) I'm not real big on the internet thing, so even when I have time and motivation, I'm usually motivated to do something else. Something else that's still entirely useless, but hey, what can you do? XP
4) Fatigue, depression, and general lack of ability thanks to having been sick for about six months. Turns out that it's IBS, which kind of sucks. However, I am getting it under control and starting to feel vaguely like a living, breathing human being again.

Stuff I have done or that has happened -
1) Went to Halifax LAST FREAKING SUMMER.
2) Became a full time employee at my place of employment, which could be good or bad.
3) Got sick.
4) Got screwed over by place of employment for the job that I really liked, and was still sick.
5) Was horribly disappointed by Fable II.
6) My grandmother was admitted to the hospital with congestive heart failure, where she survived but had to stay thanks to some form of senile dementia.
7) Dressed up as a pirate queen for Halloween wearing the scariest heels I've ever seen. Okay, I seriously didn't mean for all that to rhyme...
8) Started Driver's Ed. And then stopped because I was still sick.
9) Switched jobs at my place of employment - I work in shoes now instead of up front at the checkouts.
10) Actually won NaNoWriMo for the first time in about eight years of participating.
11) Had two pet rats die.
12) Was depressed by Christmas feeling like any other day.
13) Got put on leave for five weeks while my doctor tried to figure out what was wrong with me.
14) Fable II redeemed itself slightly when I played it through again (I love the game itself, but the glitches and some of the plot left a lot to be desired as far as I was concerned).
15) Had to have a barium enema done. o_O
16) Grandmother was finally admitted to a retirement home or whatever you call it. For some reason, my mind is drawing blanks.
17) Bought a graphics tablet as the urge to work on drawing and do a webcomic increases.

And now I'm back at work with meds that help, and tea that helps with my illness, and I'm starting to get some small degree of energy and motivation back. I may go into more detail later, but I also may get distracted by something shiny.

Mostly for the amusement of people I know.

2008-03-01T04:30:01Z

1. Choose a few of your own characters.
2. Make them answer the following questions.
3. Feel free to go ahead and add some questions yourself!!

I'm mostly doing this to amuse people I know, and to have some characters 'respond' to Ria's. And for some amusement.

So here they are:

Griffin
Jakob Quinn
Crash
Dominic
Logan Kayinson
Sylphendel
Talath
Evan Tucker

1. Who are you?
Griffin: I am Griffin.
Jakob Quinn: *smiles* My name is Jakob. It's a pleasure.
Crash: Call me Crash.
Dominic: Hi, my name is Dominic, and I'm a sexaholic. Uh... I mean... *grins*
Logan: Um... Logan.
Sylphendel: *gives a small bow* Sylphendel.
Talath: Hmmm. Talath.
Evan: Hi, I'm Evan!

2. Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Griffin: A sister named Karma, and a brother named after our father, Brunin. Both younger than I am.
Jakob: A younger sister named Corintha. I didn't know about her for a long time. Don't ask why; it's a long story.
Crash: No. Good thing, too.
Dominic: Nope, none.
Logan: Uh, no, I don't have any. My father had another son and daughter a long time ago, but they're both dead.
Sylphendel: No brothers or sisters.
Talath: One brother, Elethan.
Evan: My twin sisser, Lez!

3. How old are you?
Griffin: 264.
Jakob: Typically, I'm 25. Really, it does depend on when I'm played. Same for most of us, really. If we go by 'LJ' time, I'll be 30 this year.
Crash: 17.
Dominic: 19, though sometimes I don't act it.
Logan: When I first meet Wind, I'm usually 18 or so to his 24. I think I'm about 30 or so now. And Wind should probably realize that would make him mid to late thirties, not 24 anymore. Ten years did go by.
Sylphendel: I am 412.
Talath: I'm nearly 2500 years old.
Evan: Usually, I get played at around 16 or 17. But by time from when I was created, I think I'll be 22 this year.

4. What's your height?
Griffin: 6'2".
Jakob: I'm about 5'10".
Crash: I don't know. I don't measure myself all the time. Not quite 6' I guess.
Dominic: Um, I think I'm around 5'9", 5"10".
Logan: 6'1". Sometimes I feel awkward being so tall; it makes people think that I should be more confident.
Sylphendel: 5'11"
Talath: 6'.
Evan: I'm short, only 5'4"

5. Are you a virgin?
Griffin: No.
Jakob: Nope, not me.
Crash: Are you fucking kidding me? No!
Dominic: Nope. *winks and Owen*
Logan: Uh, no, I'm not.
Sylphendel: No.
Talath: *sighs* I don't know why you need to know, but no, I'm not.
Evan: Heehee. No way.

6. Who's your mate/spouse?
Griffin: Ah, Phoenix...
Jakob: Nick, love of my life.
Crash: Devon. Didn't he already tell you this? Really, how many people named 'Crash' do you think there are?
Dominic: Ooooooooowen.
Logan: *smiles softly* Wind.
Sylphendel: Jade is my mate, in body and soul.
Talath: Evan.
Evan: *drapes himself over Talath* Tathie, as you can see.

7. Do you have any kids?
Griffin: *laughs* Yeah, about fifteen of them. That's not included adoptees and poor ragamuffins I've taken in, either.
Jakob: Two, Malcolm and Mercedes. They can be a handful sometimes.
Crash: No. And that's a good thing, too.
Dominic: No, no kids. I'm not sure if that will ever happen either, but it's a bit early to think of now anyway.
Logan: ...I cried when they finally brought her to us and I got to hold her the first time.
Sylphendel: None yet, but soon that will change.
Talath: ... I suppose that depends on what 'reality' we're in. In some cases, we have a son, and in other cases we have twins. Often, it seems as though it's before that time, though.
Evan: Yeah, what he said. Most of the time we don't, but from what I understand, it happens eventually.

8. What's your favourite food?
Griffin: Hmmm..... Strawberry shortcake. Or just strawberries.
Jakob: Peaches. Without a doubt, peaches.
Crash: I dunno. Pizza? Nevermind. Devon.
Dominic: Lessee... I like omelettes alot.
Logan: Steak, and I know Wind is making faces about it.
Sylphendel: I must admit, I'm rather fond af certain dandelion salads.
Talath: I like honeydew melon.
Evan: Elfcandy. *winks* Seriously, though, I like lots of foods. I'm not sure I really have a favourite.

9. Have you killed anyone?
Griffin: Yes, I have. A lot of them were dragons, and I'm pretty sure the vast majority of them were evil.
Jakob: I have, but not often, and only when necessary.
Crash: Not that I know of, though sometimes I'm sorely fucking tempted.
Dominic: No, I haven't killed anything... I mean, anyone.
Logan: ...Sometimes things get a little out of hand...
Sylphendel: I have never killed a person, though I have killed some monstrous creatures.
Talath: I have.
Evan: No, not me! I'd probably faint.

10. Do you hate anyone?
Griffin: Oh, yes, plenty of people. Most of them are dead.
Jakob: I can't really think of anyone.
Crash: Yeah, my dumbass parents. I'd say I hope they go die in a fire, but Devon would probably get mad at me.
Dominic: No, I don't think so.
Logan: I hate anyone who tries to hurt Wind or Mei. I don't care who they are.
Sylphendel: I'm not sure I've ever felt 'hate'.
Talath: ... Some, though they are the kind that I cannot put faces to.
Evan: Hmmmm...... *thinks* No, I'm pretty sure no one has ever made me hate them. Some have made me pretty mad, though.

11. Have any secrets?
Griffin: I guess so. I don't have any secrets that Phoenix doesn't know, so I'm not sure I really have them. Mostly, there are just things I don't like to mention.
Jakob: I have some that only a close few know about.
Crash: Uh.... no?
Dominic: Yeah, I guess I have a secret or two.
Logan: ... Sort of? Not from Wind, and he's just about the only person I talk to, so I guess not.
Sylphendel: I have no secrets.
Talath: Yes.
Evan: When you have no shame, you have no secrets. I have no shame.

12. Do you love anyone?
Griffin: Of course! I love Phoenix with everything I've got.
Jakob: Yes, I do, and I'm glad he loves me back.
Crash: ...Yeah.
Dominic: Yeah, I do. Sometimes I think he's still afraid of me, though.
Logan: I've loved Wind since before I even knew who he was.
Sylphendel: *smiles* Yes, I have a love. Jade.
Talath: I love Evan more than I think he knows, sometimes.
Evan: *laughs* That's what you think, mister. But I know how much I love you now, so that gives me a much better idea of how much you love me. *snuggles*

13. What is your job?
Griffin: Eugh, I used to call myself an 'adventurer', but then adventure found me and kept biting me in the ass. I still get a desire to travel from time to time, but I'm mostly retired. Mostly.
Jakob: I own several companies, as well as run an underground resistance as well as hack for said resistance.
Crash: I race. Street racing. Not interested in any other kind. Sometimes I wind up Devon's manager/agent. Which he apparently likes a lot. I always knew he was dirtier than he let on.
Dominic: I don't have one yet. I'm still in university. I'm not really sure where I'm going.
Logan: A lot of the time, I don't have one. When I do, it's usually something like a bouncer, or a nightwatchman or something.
Sylphendel: I work with horses at the moment.
Talath: ... I'm an assassin.
Evan: Kinda makes you wonder about asking Talath about if he's killed people, huh? My job is Tath's money spender and whore. ^_~ Kidding! He hates it when I call myself that. I am nurturing a dream to be a hairdresser, though. Just for fun.

14. Boy or girl?
Griffin: Geez, for a second I though you were asking me the sex of kids I've had and almost said 'both'. I'm a guy, though. Definitely not both. Though I have been the other before, but let's not go there.
Jakob: Boy.
Crash: Yeah, Devon, it looks like a penis. Are you fucking stupid today or something? And I'm a guy.
Dominic: Guy. Hey, it actually looks like there aren't any girls around here...
Logan: I'm a guy.
Sylphendel: I am male.
Talath: Male.
Evan: I'm a boy who loves boys. And I seem to be surrounded by seven hot ones at the moment. Oh, yummy! That's what I should have said my favourite food was; hot boys.

15. What do you do to relax?
Griffin: Hmmm.... Lots of things, I guess. I read. I write down some of the things that have happened to me. I draw, I carve. I play with my kids. I practice my sword work. I bother Phoenix in the kitchen. I bother Phoenix in the bedroom... XD I guess it depends on what kind of relaxing I'm looking for.
Jakob: I play on my computer to relax.
Crash: I race, and I fuck.
Dominic: Reading is nice to relax. So is snuggling. I also find a good, close party with a few friends very relaxing.
Logan: Wind. *blushes* Uh... That didn't quite come out the way I meant it... I meant that I'm relaxed when I'm around him...
Sylphendel: Go for a walk in the woods, or sit somewhere in the wild.
Talath: I believe I'll have to second what Sylphendel said.
Evan: Post sex snuggles. I'm so energetic most of the time that it's the closest I think I come to relaxing. I don't really stress about much though, either.

16. There's a person who's teasing you; what could you do?
Griffin: Depends on the person. I could ignore, I could taunt back, I could run them off. Really depends.
Jakob: Hm. I don't get teased much. I think I'd typically just ignore them.
Crash: Beat the ever-loving shit out of the bastard?
Dominic: Make a fool of him by using his own taunts against him.
Logan: I've learned to ignore them, really. I tend to draw in on myself a little, I guess.
Sylphendel: Teasing? Why would someone tease me?
Talath: ...I think most people are too afraid of me to tease. I tend... to glower a bit. When it does happen, it's usually Nick, and I usually just roll my eyes.
Evan: Talk back, maybe cry if it's really mean. Then my sisser or my boyfriend will scare the daylights out of them.

17. Let’s say you have a person who you really care about but she/ he doesn’t know about your feelings. How do you tell her/him?
Griffin: *laughs* By forgetting my name and melting all over the table in front of her, I guess. I also just said 'I love you' at some point, but it was pretty easy for me. It was obvious she felt the same.
Jakob: Some people I'll just try and woo; you know, spend time with them, take them nice places, learn things about them, before I tell them how I feel. Some, though, require a more... aggressive approach.
Crash: *shrugs* I dunno.
Dominic: Apparently, I make myself scary. *laughs* I tend to flirt alot to try and tell someone I like them.
Logan: I just wind up saying 'I love you', usually at just the right time to make me think that they're going to think I'm a creepy stalker or something.
Sylphendel: I would softly approach her and tell her about my feelings. *smiles* Or perhaps I would just invite her to visit the elven archives with me.
Talath: When I feel I can say anything, I tell the person exactly what they mean to me: everything.
Evan: "Hey, hotstuff, want some company tonight?" or "Hi, cutie, how about a dance?" Or something like that. Talath is the only person I really fell in love with (except for Johnny Depp), and I just told him when I figured it out.

18. Do you like your maker?
Griffin: Yeah. We're kinda... I don't know how to put it. She sees me as a big part of her; something of a representation of the many things she wants to be. She figures if she had a "Golden Compass" type daemon, that it would be me.
Jakob: Yeah, she's alright. She made me, after all.
Crash: *shrugs* We don't exactly talk much.
Dominic: Yeah, she's pretty cool.
Logan: ...I guess? I'm not sure why she made me such a pathetic being, though. Or maybe that was all my fault?
Sylphendel: Of course.
Talath: We.. share many of the same values.
Evan: She doesn't let me do all the things I want to. *pouts* But really, yeah, I like her. And her room mate is my best friend, so I probably should.

demonblade @ 2007-07-29T00:20:00

2007-07-29T03:41:13Z

I've been feeling melancholy of late; missing the days that seemed to be my prime. I miss when I was a teenager and felt energetic, confident, strong, almost frighteningly determined. Now it seems the only thing I'm ever sure of is the fact that I'm tired. It's very wearing.

There are so many things I need to do. So many things that I want to do again. And so many things that I just can't give up on. But it feels as though the fiery passion that was one of the things I felt defined me has leaked away. I no longer feel strong. I no longer feel confident, or determined. I feel weak and weary, drained of life and determination.

I always felt like a fighter, like I was here to do something, to make a difference, to fight something. Now I can hardly get out of bed every morning. What kind of a fighter is that? Short answer: it's not a kind of fighter.

I liked who I was, but everyday that goes by seems to make me less and less who I was. I find myself trying to recreate certain things, hoping that it will spark certain things in me. Trying to find the same kind of book bag I had in high school to use when I go back to university this year. Digging out some of my old favourites and wearing them, like my garrisons and some of my older Star Wars t-shirts. Wanting to watch Star Wars again, but refusing the special editions and insisting on the originals.

There are some things I wouldn't change back, of course. Some wisdoms I have gained, a little more maneuverability in certain views. But for the most part, most of my views then are my views now, I was just so damned spunky about it all then. And there are a lot of things that I wish I had the same certainty in now that I had then. Now I just feel kind of lost and alone, left by the wayside by my past self who got disgusted with wallowing away in life like this.

I'm talking like an old man reliving his glory days, and I'm only just turned twenty-three.

demonblade @ 2007-04-30T13:50:00

2007-04-30T16:53:13Z

So, I'm one of the weirdest LJ members ever. I get in a car accident, and I don't even say anything about it here until about a week later. And I'm not going into detail because I don't really have the time right now. I'm here mostly for this.

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So, does it sound like me? Not that it matters. I'm the kind of person who gets immediately attached to things, and changing it now would seem wrong.

One thing I don't get, though, is why being a leader means by default that you're competitive. I am not competitive at all, but I sure as hell don't 'go with the flow'.

What's up with F'ing chemists?

2007-04-22T15:33:21Z

So, I'm studying for my chem exam that occurs at Holy-Crap-I'm-Going-to-Die o'clock tomorrow morning. Online, there are quizzes which I'm doing, hoping that they'll a)boost my mark and b) help me study.

Option B seems to be a flop. You see, so far I've done three quizzes, at fifteen questions each. I have only gotten two questions wrong. Problem is, it seems that my calculations don't give me the answers supplied in the multiple choice, and since there's a time limit, I just start guessing. I've guessed on about all but -go on, see if you can guess- two questions. Remarkably, the two I got wrong.

I know I'm doing the calculations right. They're the only formulas I have to use, and I'm pretty good at plugging numbers into formulas. So, tell me, why is it that the tools they have given me with the assurance that they would be the key to the answers don't give me the answers? And why does my instinct serve me better, GUESSING serve me better than the proper methods to solve the problem?

Chemists make no damn sense.

demonblade @ 2007-04-08T11:57:00

2007-04-08T14:58:13Z

Dad's surgery went well. Now it's just dealing with restrictions and weakness for a bit while he heals.

The rest of us are probably nearly as tired as he is.

demonblade @ 2007-04-04T22:02:00

2007-04-05T01:05:10Z

Dad's surgery is pretty much going for sure tomorrow morning. Triple bypass, open heart surgery. Less than a 1% mortality rate. I won't lie. I'm afraid. I can't help it.

Even though his chances are excellent, I have this nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm not sure if the nagging fear is just anxiety, or if the nagging fear is a weird premonition that my family sometimes have. It's impossible to tell with me, since I have an anxiety disorder.

But... I'm just going to have to decide that it's just the anxiety talking.

And now that I've said this, I'm worried about what just saying it will do. One of the few ways I'm kind of 'superstitious' I guess.

Sexual Abuse of Children

2007-03-24T16:02:29Z

I myself have never been abused. My parents are both great people, and raised my brother and I well. They never would have stood for anyone abusing me, sexually or physically (in fact, I almost dread to see any person who would have done so if my father had gotten his hands on them). In so doing, they also instilled a very strong sense of right and wrong in me. And this is very, very wrong:

In the early eighties, the United States instituted a law that was meant to preserve families. This law, in an effort to keep families together, creates a loophole for incestuous child abuse. A parent or guardian who molests his (before anyone can jump all over my 'sexism' of the word 'his', I use it because 94% of cases of this kind are perpetrated by men) own child, stepchildren, or any child he is the official guardian of isn't likely to even go to court, even if the child steps forward. More likely, if at all, he will be given probation that ends after only a short period of time and some counseling, and then quickly be put back in charge of his terrified victim. The law actually makes specific allowances for cases of sexual abuse against one's own children, putting the rights of the perpetrator above the rights of the defenseless victim, believing that the perpetrator is sick and the family must be preserved above all else. I don't doubt that the offender is sick, but that's no reason to allow him to torment his victims.

In many states, this law still exists. Lawyers and judges make excuses for abusers, indicating that they'll smarten up once warned, or that family counseling is in order to repair the damage done by the accusations and act itself. The cold fact is that in most cases of sexual abuse, the offender does not reform. He will face a slap on the wrist and the expectation that he has learned his lesson before he is summarily allowed to once again prey on the young children whom he is supposed to protect. And in most of these cases, he does offend again. But what child would speak up a second time, after their initial efforts failed?

There are countless stories of situations like this, and it is absolutely horrifying and disgusting. Women going bankrupt trying to pay the legal bills to keep ex-husbands away from children that have been a victim to his molestation. Three year old boys being admitted to hospitals with abnormal, extreme stretching of the anus and a father who only gets warned, nothing more.

I knew that sexual abuse occurred. I always hated it. But I never realized there were actual laws in place that protected someone who had raped their own children. If it was a stranger who had done it, he'd be slapped in cuffs and dragged off for a number of years. But if someone raises their own victim, or marries someone who has a convenient victim, it is apparently acceptable.

Well, it's NOT acceptable. Not in the least. As adults, our job is to protect children, and speak out against the injustices that they can't. They're children. In the eyes of society, they have no voice, no presence. They need adults to help them. What do we tell children? If someone does something you don't like, tell your mom or dad. Well, what about the children who are terrified of their mom or dad because going home to mom or dad means that they're going to have some foreign object shoved into one of their orifices? They don't deserve protection, because daddy knows best? We can charge someone with statutory rape, but if it's real and done by a guardian, it doesn't count? This is ludicrous, it is hypocrisy, and it is WRONG.

A child molested by her father shouldn't have to be forced to live with him. A child molested by his father shouldn't be threatened with foster care (taken away from the mother) if he doesn't want to see the man who abused him. A child shouldn't have to have their cries for help ignored, and then have to watch the same thing happen to their younger brothers and sisters.

A family that is abused is NOT a family that needs to be preserved by the government. A child who has been sexually molested is NOT a child who needs the presence of their tormentor. An offender who abuses his own children should be just as accountable, indeed, even more so, than a stranger. His job is to keep them safe, not be their terror. For that betrayal, for that complete lack of justice and morality, a child will suffer even more. Children abused by strangers have their families to help them (those that will). Children in these cases are lost with no one to protect them.

Don't stand for it. Abuse is abuse, no matter what. A father shouldn't have any more right to rape his own children than anyone else should, and no one should have any. Find out what your state's laws are, and find out how you can change them. I have at least one link that will be helpful in that regard.

Luckily, so far as I can tell, Canada's laws have no such loopholes.

Stop the hypocrisy. Stop the pain. Stop the goddamned offenders who get away with it everyday, ruining children's lives. This is wrong.

http://www.protect.org
The Deliberate Loophole
List of loopholes
The Canada Criminal Code - Sex Offenses
Child Abuse Fact Sheet - Canada

Note 1

2007-03-24T15:19:25Z

My dad had a heart attack last night.

Well, the doctors say that when he got to them, his body was trying to have a heart attack, but they gave him so medicine to stave it off. Right now, he's doing alright, though they think he might have had some minor heart attacks that have caused some damage prior to this as well.

Mom is a little freaked out, and my grandmother even more so. After losing Uncle John in November, I think she's a little terrified.

But I think he'll be alright. He had recently started watching what he ate because of high cholesterol, and had lost twenty pounds (for my dad, this is a big deal). He'll have to be more careful from now on.

I'll probably be going back out to the hospital again later, but so far, everything is going alright, and as far as heart attacks go, it could have been much much worse.

However, while I was there I read an article that severely disturbed me. I know most people think that I'm a ranting bitch, but I'm going to post something afterwards anyway, and I urge you to pay attention.

demonblade @ 2007-02-28T12:39:00

2007-02-28T16:52:02Z

So, I'm getting sick again. My stomach hurts, and my head hurts, and I feel nauseous. I swear, if it's a bladder infection again...

Between that, insomnia, and increasingly frequent panic attacks, I've missed most of my classes the past two weeks. I'm hoping that March break will give me a chance to study and kind of reset.

I had my genetics midterm, which blew. I actually failed it, and I did try and study for it. I also had a migraine when I wrote it.

My biggest problem, though? It was amazingly long. It had 45 multiple choice questions. Not so bad. It also had ten short answer questions. To all appearances, still a little long, but not bad.

Except his idea of 'short answer' is at least a paragraph long, frequently with drawings. And most of the ten questions had at least four parts to them, totalling about... thirty or forty short answers. Usually, short answers would take only a minute to read and jot down. But his idea of short answers take at least a couple of minutes each, if you want to complete it. That means at least most of an hour right there. Plus, reading through and answering the multiple choice questions. How much time did we have to write it? One hour.

He insists that this is reasonable, and that we should know it, so we should be able to write that fast. Apparently, we should also be able to use psychic powers to know the questions before having to spend time reading them, and to project our words directly onto paper from our brains. The highest mark was an 82%, and I have no idea how he did it. Maybe he's a fast writing genius. Just about everyone else, failed.

Now, as for other examples of his math skills; he gave us the answer to one of the multiple choice questions on the test. Each one was worth 2 out of 150. While ragging us out for doing so badly on the test, he told us that giving us that answer was giving us 10%. W. T. F? 2 out of 150 is 1.3%.

To further compound this, he made adjustments to the test scores so that there weren't so many fails. He gave everyone roughly 20% points. Adding this and his "ten percent" together, he's convinced that he gave us 25%.

o_O

No wonder he thinks we should be able to finish that test in an hour. He obviously has some sort of inability to process simple math.

I feel the need to post this for some reason.

2007-02-21T08:04:07Z

Love is not all: it is not meat nor drink
Nor slumber nor a roof against the rain;
Nor yet a floating spar to men that sink
And rise and sink and rise and sink again;
Love cannot fill the thickened lung with breath,
Nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone;
Yet many a man is making friends with death
Even as I speak, for lack of love alone.
It well may be that in difficult hour,
Pinned down by pain and moaning for release,
Or nagged by want past resolution's power,
I might be driven to sell your love for peace,
Or trade the memory of this night for food.
It well may be. I do not think it would.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

I came across this in my insomnia in an old notebook of mine.

demonblade @ 2007-02-21T03:42:00

2007-02-21T07:43:14Z

I need more friends who are up at three thirty in the morning when I can't sleep.

Or something else, but I'm not sure what.

demonblade @ 2007-02-16T19:55:00

2007-02-16T23:56:37Z

I'm laying on a cat.

Why? Because he stole my spot and even though I'm leaning on him, he won't move. It's making my abdominal muscles hurt staying this way. XP

Just thought you'd like to know.

demonblade @ 2007-02-10T14:03:00

2007-02-10T18:07:00Z

For some dumbass reason, my body has been on high anxiety lately, especially when I'm alone. It's driving me batty.

Right now, my stomach is both in knots and suffering butterflies. For what reason? Who the hell knows. You'd think I was waiting to be gunned down or something.

And this is what I have to keep me company before I have to go work. Go me! I thought I'd get some writing done, but now I can't concentrate. Half the music I want to listen to evokes emotions that, at the moment, are making me feel sick to my stomach, so I have to skip them.

This blows.

demonblade @ 2007-01-08T15:06:00

2007-01-08T19:06:42Z

So, at this moment, I despise my self.

Okay, maybe that's not entirely true. But I'm certainly not happy with my body, weak to the ravages of illness and anxiety.

My new leaf, my new beginning that would lead to better things is off to a wonderful start. Namely, my being so damn sick that I had to miss the first day of classes. And I'm going to have to call in sick for the third time in a row to work. Nobody will understand or care that the most solid thing I've had and managed to keep down in the last four days is four chicken fingers, and those were just barely, when I was feeling at my best during this. For some reason, in the adult world, they don't seem to care how horribly you're sick unless it's terminal.

Needless to say, the anxiety attacks I'm having don't help any.

demonblade @ 2006-12-14T13:53:00

2006-12-14T17:53:18Z

So, since the person I've been emailing for advising on my courses has not been responding, I decided to just go ahead and register for my courses without him and figure it out on my own. Except when I tried it said "You have not been advised for your program. Registration not permitted."

Okay, so not only does the Student Loan application have many whacked questions that made me have to stop filling it out so many times that it took me a month to complete, and all the jobs that the university offers to help students are only for full time students, and I work my ass off for no money which I'll get even less of when I have to cut back hours to go to school, but it won't let me register until I've been advised, and the adviser I've been talking to has sent me two e-mails: one saying "Hey, great, you're going back to university! We'll talk about what you can do once you tell me what you want to study and if you've been accepted." Upon telling him this (which I had to do twice because the first time he didn't reply and apparently didn't get the e-mail), he said he'd have to look at we have and get back to me. This has also been over the course of a month, and if I show up for advising a week before courses start, they'll get very upset and there may not be room for me in the classes I need. The classes I need, which I figure will cut down my working hours significantly.

And on that note, it seems that it will be impossible for me to find better employment while I'm going to school. Or, you know, anything that will pay half decently and give me the money and free time I need.

Right now, I work thirty hours a week. I make, after taxes, roughly around $850 a month, which is just barely enough for me to pay all my bills. I don't have any benefits, despite the fact that full time employees work a minimum of 28 hours a week. I'm not hired on full time, so I get dick. Most of the courses I need they're not offering in evening classes, so I'll have to cut down on my workload at least a little. Add to that the fact that they had me trained on a job that paid me an extra dollar an hour, which was about an extra $100 dollars or so a month, and decided that as soon as they had some one else trained they didn't need me there anymore. Plus they keep trying to screw me over in various ways, or at the very least ignore all the hard work I do and praise everyone else around me, whether they're working hard or not.

Why the fuck does everything conspire to make it so damn hard for someone to go back to school and improve themselves so that they don't wind up working the rest of their lives in shit jobs that will eventually either make them shoot themselves, or everyone else?

Holy shit, I am pissed, frustrated, and inarticulately mad about this bullshit.

demonblade @ 2006-12-05T02:06:00

2006-12-05T06:06:17Z

Dear Ria's parents:

On the most recent events, I just have to have my say. There have been many times when I've come close, but always held off. This is the last straw.

You know, you both have a tendency to be quite generous with many of your offers. That's great. But the only thing worse than a stingy bastard is someone who makes generous offers and then attaches more and more strings as they go.

Do you have any idea what I have seen you put your daughter through in the past few years? And don't give me any crap about how I'm just seeing what she tells me. I'm either there with her when it happens, sitting beside her when she's talking to you on the phone, or the first one to hear it when she comes home, so it doesn't have much time to be skewed by memory.

You do have a few valid points. The gym membership, for instance. However, as for the birthday gift that you seem to think she was upset over not getting, I seem to recall having to comfort a very distraught girl who was suffering from feelings of inadequacy and not being thought of by her own parents.

Just about everything she's asked you for, she's asked on the condition of paying you back. Oh, and also because you told her to ask if she needed anything. Your reaction is to always tell her not to bother. She doesn't have to pay you back. Except then you drag it out to make her feel like hell when she isn't doing everything you want her to. A gift is a gift, it shouldn't ever be used as leverage. That's not the point.

As for her debt, I was here. I knew that she had trouble getting the information for her debtors. I'm the one who suggested she call someone to find the numbers. I was sitting beside her the morning that you sent her that e-mail with your declined offer. I was right there when she came back ranting because the stupid internet banking wouldn't accept anything. I was also here when she was in tears because it just so happened that she'd waited too long for you and you wouldn't believe a word she said. Fine, she waited a little too long. I can see that. But it's done, isn't it? And I assure you that she was trying to do it before you threatened her with not having a trip.

I also feel I have to say that coming from both of you, telling her that she has to keep her obligations is somewhat rich. Who canceled Christmas at the drop of a hat? Who ran out on her, lied to her about it, and didn't even have the guts to tell her to her face? Who invited both of us to Boston, wouldn't give us dates, and then decided it wasn't even worth it because I wanted to try and have a passport? She may not be perfect, but you sure as hell aren't either. Maybe you should also consider some of your offers before you make them.

Thing is, I think 'canceling Christmas' and running out on her on multiple occasions is a hell of a lot worse than taking a little more time to do something, or even quitting out on the gym membership. The monetary aid was no doubt appreciated, but I think the personal pain of feeling as though you are less loved by your parents than their ability to make you do what they want or for the convenience you may have offered is a hell of a lot worse. I'm not saying that quitting going to the gym was right, but maybe you should look at what you yourselves do before you start flinging stones.

You can't even talk to her about it. She can't say a word to you most of the time because she's terrified that if she makes you mad, you won't ever speak to her again. Tell me, do you really think that's how a parent's behaviour should make a daughter feel? You are the two people in all the world she should be positive of loving her no matter what. But the way you give and withdraw, get angry if she doesn't agree with you, avoid the topic of if you did something to hurt her, or get angry if she tries to let you know that something hurt has taken that away from her, and no daughter should have to go through that.

In the end, it all comes down to this; you're both around forty years old. You should be reasonable adults by now, but your daughter can't even talk to you about hurtful things, and you'll change your minds about things at the drop of a hat, get upset that she's upset by it, get vindictive about something that she did when things you've done in the past, and never atoned for, are far worse, and get upset that she talks to her friends about it. You know, the ones that are there to help her out with the emotional stuff.

Grow up and stop thinking that financial aid, even if greatly appreciated, buys you out of the things you've done to her and buys you the right to do them again.

I'm half your age. I shouldn't have to tell you how stupid and childish all the bullshit you've put her through is.

And don't even think about getting on my case for this not being my business. I live with her. She's my very close friend, and close friends to me are like family. And I'm sick of people screwing with my family. I'm the one here to help her when you hurt her, I'm the one who usually gets pissed on her behalf. She's my family, and even if you aren't always going to treat her that way, I will.

And I say all of this to you because she can't. I'm doing this all on my own, so don't you dare take it out on her. See, it doesn't matter to me if you never talk to me again. I know that she appreciates everything you have done for her in a material sense; it's everything you neglect to do in a parental, emotional sense that hurts her.

Just get over it, would you? If you really want to do something about it, take her out and actually listen to the wealth of pain she carries around thanks to both of you. Then tell her about what bothers you. Talk about it instead of just pointing just as dirty fingers and taking back promises.

And yes, this is directed at both parents. Go ahead and be pissed that I've said all of this to you, but it's about time that someone did.

demonblade @ 2006-12-03T19:17:00

2006-12-03T23:17:50Z

Why in Hell do they have to make it so damn hard to get back to school? Especially applying for a student loan?

Question on my student loan application: (First, it discusses your study period, which is the period of time between terms, to a maximum of 18 weeks, like for someone like me, who's been out of school for awhile.)
Describe your study period: [blank]

Uh... I had a nice summer/winter/Christmas/holiday? We went on vacation!

I mean, seriously, what do they want? "Describe my study period?" Or was it "Explain my study period?" It was really boring or depressing? I had to have it because I had no money for school, which is why I'm here? What about the people who have been doing normal terms until then? I had to have one because they won't let me live in the classroom?

What the hell are they talking about? And why do they need to bloody know to lend me money to go to school? All they should need to know about whether or not lend me money is who I am, where I live, what school I'm going to, possibly my program, how much money I make, and if I'm in good academic standing.

Why are they all crazy?! They sure do their damndest to make it impossible for someone to improve their life by improving their education.

demonblade @ 2006-11-20T14:28:00

2006-11-20T18:28:54Z

I'm tired, and my stomach is tied in many many knots at the thought of going to work. I'm not ready for this yet.

I really haven't missed anxiety attacks like this.

demonblade @ 2006-11-12T15:15:00

2006-11-12T19:15:16Z

I don't feel like I can hold up under the weight bearing down on me. I'm so exhausted.

Time for a nap, maybe. Except that I don't feel like I have the time to take one; so many other things I either needed to or wanted to get done. But I had trouble getting all the way home walking from my grandmother's. She lives down the street.

demonblade @ 2006-11-12T12:47:00

2006-11-12T16:47:04Z

I just can't stop thinking about so many things.

He was down on the weekend, and I thought I'd like to see him while he was here. I was working, and I forgot all about it. Forgot. And now I'll never see him again. I've been trying to remember what his voice sounded like, but it's hard. He lived in Halifax, so I usually only saw him a couple of times a year.

I keep wondering... What did he feel going into surgery knowing he might not wake up at all?

He was so happy when he found out that it was operable, that all he would lose was his right eye instead of his life. I can't stop thinking about that, either. How did he feel? As far as I know, he wasn't conscious, but what did he know anyway, when it was time to go? Did he feel cheated, or was he at peace? Was it hard for him, or did he just know it was time?

And now my dad is going to take my mom out to see her sister, before she has her surgery next week. He wants me to sit with my grandmother for awhile, because he doesn't want to leave her alone for a long time in this. I'm just afraid I'll make it worse, though. And if something goes wrong with my aunt, I won't have had a chance to see her, either. I've been having a hard time coping with everything lately, and I really don't know how I'm going to manage to be the strong one, even for a little while.

Even a couple of years ago, when my grandfather died, I had enough strength in me to be the one for her to lean on.

Where did all of my strength go?

demonblade @ 2006-11-12T00:00:00

2006-11-12T04:00:02Z

My uncle died about an hour and a half ago.

It isn't fair.

demonblade @ 2006-11-11T14:19:00

2006-11-11T18:19:46Z

My uncle is going to die. My dad says that they can't (I'm not sure if this can't is actually a won't or not) do anything about the swelling in his brain; apparently all they could do is remove the dead brain tissue from the stroke, so they're not going to do anything. He's having trouble breathing now, and apparently, it's just a matter of time.

demonblade @ 2006-11-10T23:35:00

2006-11-11T03:35:12Z

My aunt and uncle both passed their scans; the cancer they have didn't spread anywhere else in their bodies. My uncle went into surgery on Wednesday, and I got word on Thursday that the operation had gone exactly as they had expected.

Until he had a stroke, which turned out to be more extensive then they had first thought. And now, there's swelling in the brain, and my dad says that they're not sure if they're going to try and operate to do something about it. This, I don't understand. Yeah, he might need radiation treatments or something, and that would be crappy and another surgery would definitely compromise his strength, but I thought the point was that it might save his life?

Anyway, it's possible I don't have nearly enough information. Info I get from Dad can occasionally be garbled, not too mention it's passing through two or three people before it gets to me.

It looks as though my uncle John isn't going to make it through this. And my dad predicts, and he's probably right, that if John dies, it will kill my grandmother.

He's only 56 years old.

demonblade @ 2006-11-03T00:11:00

2006-11-03T04:06:13Z

NaNo, end of second day: 5611 words.

Coming along well for more than one day, for once.

[Edit]Just before bedtime, two in the morning, word count stands at 6974.